I'm going to go to sleep.
And not do homework that needs doing.

I'm tired.

I'm tired.
I want to watch Dr. Who. Climb a tree. Actually have time to study the bible and figure out where God stands on matters I need and want to care about and work on. I want to go to a coffee shop for once, and actually sit there and drink coffee while doing some puzzle or reading a book or talking to a friend. I want to see my friend Jessica, who I haven't seen for more than a year. I want to have a nice, cute, fun boyfriend that I feel right being with who cares about following God and loves God. I don't want to have to worry about my boss taking advantage of me or finding a new job that may conflict with a million things that are important to me. I don't want to be pressured into picking  a major or career, I don't want to pick the next school I go to based off the fact that it's the cheapest, I don't want to even have to worry about all the stresses of finding the college I like and filling out all that insane, life-sucking paperwork. I don't want to have to deal with an academic adviser and a financial aid employee and a million other annoying people. I want to travel across the world. I WANT TO LEARN FRENCH. I want to watch movies, play video games, read books, play the piano, melodica, ukelele, and I want to have a ton of music and expand my taste/horizons and I want to understand poetry better.  I want to write a book and make a cd and rock climb and own clothes and shoes that I ACTUALLY LIKE and I want to take a on of pictures and paint and jump on a highway and just drive and I want to wander blockbuster with my best friend and tell my best friend whatever I'm thinking or worried about or sad about or happy about. I want hugs and kisses and hand holding and walking and rain and smiles and dreams and roller coasters and lightning and lipstick and brain teasers and a hedgehog and a dog and neon fish and an apartment and a little house and a tireswing and hot chocolate and popcorn and pasta and italian bread and brownies and food and I want to cook and have kids and stay at home and vacuum and learn random things and throw parties and mail people things and buy random things online to send myself in the mail. I want a close family and close friends and I'm not looking for perfection, I'm looking for people that I want to love that'll love me, so when imperfect things happen, we'll have each other.  I want music boxes with special melodies and I want to be less selfish and I want to be more open and aware of who I am and how I am inside and I want to be more honest and I want to visit people at nursing homes and volunteer my time at places that need me and I want to sleep when I'm tired and I want to learn what kinds of coffee I like and how I like it prepared and I want to learn more about myself and more about other people. I want to have block parties and I want a pinata and I want to be in good shape and do lots of push ups and pull ups and I want to go camping and smell pine trees and burn candles and I want someone to spend time with. I want to go out to eat and I want to not worry about money and I want someone to put a thimble on my finger and then give me a real kiss and I want someone to understand me and I want to be able to let someone in and I want people to be more aware of people's feelings and behaviors around them and I want people to listen more and care more and I want to fence and I want art supplies and I want to make youtube videos and I want to be able to plan my own day the way I want it to be and I want too many things.

sometimes I forget that when I make these public people will read them on occasion.
then I get all confused when they know what's going on in my life and call me out on what I've been feeling lately!

I don't know how to make lots of  money, I don't know all the right things to say, I can't buy you nice things like big diamond rings, but those don't mean much anyway...

dude, this kid in acting class is like a total enigma.
it's driving me crazy.

annnd I was really stressed out this morning, but things got better.
I got to talk to Samantha today!

DBF (IYE) TIWIS,

Fencing is getting more exciting.  It's also increasingly more painful, haha.  I'm definitely getting a workout!  The guy who asked me out a few weeks back came up to me and was admiring my sword necklace.  He reached out to touch it and I stopped him. Invading my space.  He also tried to walk up behind me and start zipping up my uniform without even asking and I snapped at him a little and told him I could do it on my own. He left me alone and spent most of the time chatting it up with someone else who looked pretty uninterested in talking to him.  I think one of my pet peeves is people who don't pick up on cues, body language, or even has a slight regard to how the other person is feeling.  I can understand that some people don't understand them, but there are some cases where it just really bothers me.

The church meeting this week with Ron Courter was wonderful.  He's an amazing, deep speaker and I learned a lot this weekend. I wish I could hear him more.   I love his sense of humor, his kindness, his dedication, his teaching. I can't express how glad I am that Hayley came on Sunday.  She's one of the only people I've had the opportunity and been comfortable with venting to lately.  I've been isolating myself a lot recently and holding it all in, which I know isn't good for me, but today I was able to let a little bit of the things that have been bothering me out. She was very understanding and I appreciate it immensely.  We also had some fun talking about other things, one subject being me possibly going to their meeting in less than two weeks   Hopefully we'll be able to hang out more in the future

I'm exhausted after such a long week of school, work, and church almost every day.

I didn't learn my lines that I told myself and my partner I'd memorize over the weekend. I also still haven't studied for my sociology quiz tomorrow. I'm just too tired, too burnt out, I can't focus or stir up enough motivation to deal with those right now. I ought to go to bed right now so that I may wake up a little early and work on those two things tomorrow morning before class.

I still need to watch Psycho. I've been avoiding it, and then now I just can't seem to find the time. I've actually had it for a month, it's due tomorrow. May just keep it an extra day, pay the nickel, and watch it on Tuesday.
Tuesday I do not have school. Instead, I get to spend my morning at the dentist (and then work like usual). Woo! Haha.

I need to look at schools in Missouri, set up college visits, and apply to the ones I like. Work out how I'm going to complete the process of becoming an English teacher and figure out how long it will take and how costly. Oh, and agreements for teaching in other states is another thing I need to consider.

I'm loving my new headphones, but I need to work on organizing my mp3 player's collection of music.
Burned a Beauty and the Beast - Little Mermaid - Pocahontas CD today and I absolutely love listening to it in the car. Not only the popular songs, but the instrumental ones as well. <3

Bonjour, bonsoir, bon nuit mes amis.
Salut, Au revoir

watched equillibrium on youtube.
mix of most of the futuristic take-away-humanity novels I've read.
Fahrenheit 451, 1984, Anthem, Brave New World
Mucho violence though. && emotion still existed, even though the movie tried to portray that it didn't.
ah well.

seriously, I don't believe in killing. Why can't those guns be filled with happy-bullets or sleepytime fun?
when they're all taken out, lock 'em in a room and let them do whatever. give them some food and a bed. say they can play bingo or go golfing if they're good after a day's work. if they're going to be irresponsible murderers, they just need more restrictions than your average joe. okay, well, since i'm super sleepy and not thinking completely straight, I think I should think about what I think about criminals and murder and what to do with these sad people at a later date.

aaaand i have school in 9 hours. so i should sleep now. since i got very little sleep last night and I had an exhausting day, with school/work/fencing for two hours. woo!

Found this. Wrote it during nap time at work awhile ago.

I'd like to major in psychology, with some focus on sociology, social welfare, counseling, and philosophy.  Maybe some education classes and be certified to teach- high school and college level.
In my free time I'd like to write and eventually publish a book. Other hobbies I'd like to be involved in: rock wall climbing, want an elliptical, painting (take some painting classes?), reading, movie watching. Very involved in church and with my church family. Study bible daily, memorize passages.  I'd like to become a foster parent, own a dog or hedgehog, have my own house with a tireswing and eventually some kids. On holidays I'd like to travel- across the United States and eventually to another country. Improve my cooking skills.

Some additions to my thoughts:
I'm also interested in majoring in English. I could envision myself as an English teacher, in fact, if I could be a creative writing teacher I would be one of the happiest girls in the world.
I want to have an extensive book and music collection.

I'm terribly afraid of becoming a teacher. The pressures, expectations, not to mention the steps it takes even become capable of teaching and who knows if I'd actually be hired. Afraid of not being good enough. I don't want to be the person who is a terrible educator. Worried that work would distract me from what's important. Worried that I might not like it even though I've thought about this career off and on for years. Don't want to get stuck in a huge ditch of debt. What if I want to move, how will my degree/credentials transfer to another state? Where should I live, where should I go to school to prepare myself for this career?

Considering applying to some colleges and seeing how much schooling it will take to become an English teacher or what I could do if I majored in Psychology. If I could get some loans, how much would it cost and how I would be able to pay it off, and how long it will take to pay it off. Maybe find a place where I can live on campus, even though I have mixed feelings on that idea. Compare apartment vs staying on campus costs.

meaning.

I'm slowly, but surely becoming more comfortable in my own skin.